Vice Presidential candidate and Donald Trump's running mate, Mike Pence, today resigned from the Republican national ticket, and announced his support for Hillary Clinton.
"It's true," Pence said, when asked as he was leaving Sunday morning services at St. Jude's Patron Saint of Lost Causes Church in Hope, Arkansas. "I will support and vote for Hillary Clinton in next month's election."
"I've had an epiphany, after much time to reflect about the course I was on. I have heard voices, I have listened, and while Donald Trump has been preying, I have been praying," added Pence.
When asked about the voices he claims to have heard, Pence quickly asserted that he had spent the prior night at Trump's Mar-A-Lago resort home with Trump, although Trump's wife, Melania had remained in New York.
"I was awakened repeatedly by loud, almost banshee like shouting coming from the Trumps' adjacent bedroom," Pence said.
"Screams of 'Oh God, Oh, GOD, OH, GOD!' and "JEEEEEEESUS.' jolted me out of my sleep," Pence continued. "When I tiptoed out of my room and into the hallway, I saw Donald Trump standing naked in front of a huge, 80-inch flat-screen television set in his room, watching news clips of Hillary Clinton. It was Trump screaming those words," Pence said, "Donald TRUMP!"
"I am a simple man," Pence continued, "and I serve at the Lord's and Donald Trump's pleasure. Donald Trump was moved to utter the Lord's name and speak in tongues in the presence of Hillary Clinton's image."
"I may not be the brightest bulb on the tree," Pence concluded, "but if Donald Trump has seen the light, who am I to question it?"
LATE COMMENT FROM TRUMP CAMPAIGN
Donald Trump's campaign manager, KellyAnne Conway, issued the following statement in response to Mike Pence's withdrawal from the Trump presidential ticket: "We respect Mike Pence's decision. Mike was always a pussy, and I don't mean that in the dignified sense of the word."