On the heels of a flurry of press reports warning of an impending worldwide bacon shortage, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today warned Americans that their dependency on bacon has contributed to the nascent world-wide shortage of the porcine delight, and urged them to stockpile the fatty treat before it's too late. But apparently unaware that Muslims don't eat pork products, Romney also poured the rhetorical equivalent of splattering hot oil on already enflamed Islamic sensibilities, blaming most of the shortage on "systemic hoarding" by Islamic fundamentalists in Iran "who are intent on bringing America to its trotters by depriving Americans of one of their favorite foods ... the staff of life ... bacon."
"Americans love their bacon," said Romney. "During the last few years, we've seen the, gosh, wonderful impact that free enterprise and entrepreneurial capitalism has had in driving increased bacon sales and consumption in America. The number of new bacon products, such as candied bacon, bacon sundaes, bacon milkshakes, Mo's Bacon Chocolate Bar by Vosges Chocolates, and even something called a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich," said Romney, "are all testaments to the creativity fostered by free markets. So, my friends, I am an extreme bacon disciple. There will be no bacon cartel when I am president."
Warning that a bacon shortage could prove to be too much for Americans to deal with, following years of sacrifice brought about by the Great Recession, persistently high unemployment rates, declining home prices and a Democratic president, Romney vowed to do whatever is necessary to keep adequate supplies of bacon available in this country. "I've been in touch with my good friend, Prime Minister Netanyahu of Israel about this," said Romney, "and he shares my view that the Iranians have been nefariously attempting to destabilize the world bacon market by buying up all available supplies."
Romney continued, "My good friend Bibi told me that Israel is committed to leading from behind on this issue to liberate Iran's stockpiled bacon, unless "the radicals in Tehran back down." Romney added that "Iran is not entitled to be piggish about this. For me, this is a red line drawn with the blood of our ancestors. The Mullahs in Iran need to remember that I am an old Wall Street dude, and that we Wall Street dudes all know that hogs get fat, but pigs get slaughtered. Am I making myself clear?"
"I don't know about you," Romney continued, "but when I am elected president, I am certainly not going to stand by idly while a bacon shortage reaches critical mess. I've made significant progress with my observant Jewish bro's like Sheldon Adelson, but I make this commitment particularly to my Reform Jewish friends, who are far more mainstream and American in their consumption of bacon and other pork commodity production outputs."
"I call upon President Barack Hussein Obama to suspend campaigning for one day to join me in a Bacon Summit this coming Saturday," said Romney. "This issue requires immediate, bi-partisan attention. I'm also going to ask my good friend, former Senator Joe Lieberman, to spearhead this effort on my behalf, assisted by The Reverend Al Sharpton and Governor Chris Christie, both of whom know a thing or two about pork."
Senior Obama campaign advisor David Axelrod dismissed Romney's bid for a "piggy party" with a terse "not by the hair of my chinny, chin, chin. Homey don't play pork barrel politics, though I can understand why Governor Romney might yearn to establish his foreign policy chops by hogging the airwaves with this global bacon nonsense. Come on, are you ribbing me? Is this for real?"
Sharpton was unavailable for comment, reportedly undergoing a daily, multi-hour process of being inflated with large quantities of hot air before beginning his late afternoon cable program broadcast on MSNBC.
There was also no comment from the now politically Independent Lieberman's office, who as an Orthodox Jew, does not engage in any political or business activities on Saturdays, which is the Jewish Sabbath, unless it is a matter of life and death, though not including the death of a pig. When informed that Lieberman is an observant Jew and probably preparing for this evening's start of the solemn, Jewish Day of Atonement Yom Kippur, which begins tonight at sundown, Romney, looking surprised, commented "That can't be. I've never heard of a Jew named Joe in my entire life! Hey, is Biden Jewish, too, my friend? I suppose you people probably also want me to believe that you can't open the windows on an Boeing 737."
Governor Christie, of New Jersey, was reportedly not at the gym, and when this reporter caught up with him outside the Governor's all-you-can-eat, 24/7/365 Executive Dining Room, Christie turned bright red and hollered loudly that a bacon shortage was "SIMPLY UNIMAGINABLE AND WOULD BE CATACLYSMIC," before blacking out and falling to the floor. Doctors on site were quick to diagnose the cause of Christie's collapse as "a massive, fear-induced cardiac arrest." As this article went to press, Christie was reportedly still unconscious on the floor, receiving mouth-to-snout resuscitation, and awaiting the arrival of a heavy duty crane and meat hook so he could be safely moved to a New Jersey cardiac hospital specializing in the treatment of large animals.