BS News Service - (Atlanta) Dec 5
A top campaign advisor to Herman Cain, on condition of anonymity, has told the BS News Service that Herman Cain has asked for, and received, a number of promises from Newt Gingrich in return for Cain's endorsement of Gingrich for the Republican nomination for president. Cain is reported to be seriously considering the arrangement, which would call for Cain to endorse Gingrich sometime this week.
The promises made by Gingrich include:
1. Giving Cain copies of Gingrich's "black book" containing the names and phone numbers of Gingrich's former girlfriends;
2. A personal introduction of Cain to Gingrich's jeweler and an unlimited line of credit at Tiffany's for Gloria Cain;
3. An agreement to hire Cain's 3 and 5 year old grandchildren as after school janitors in Gingrich's non-lobbying firm;
4. Free enrollment for Cain in Professor Gingrich's online course "Mormons and Polygamy I & II," provided Cain maintains at least a D average;
5. Double date-night with Gingrich and Hugh Hefner's former twin girlfriends;
6. The keys to Gingrich's secret apartments in Washington, DC, Atlanta, and Bangkok;
7. Appointment as White House Executive Pizza Chef if Gingrich is elected president;
8. A joint appearance with Gingrich at a fund-raising rally at Score's Gentlemen's Club to help retire Cain's campaign debt;
9. Life-time Secret Service protection for Cain, with an all-female detail, if Gingrich is elected president;
10. A free copy of "Divorce for Dummies," by Donald Trump.
In return, Cain has reportedly promised to coach Gingrich about making untraceable cash payments to his wives and girlfriends rather than opening easily tracked lines of credit at jewelry stores, and agreed to give Gingrich an autographed copy of Cain's latest book, "Nein, Nein, Nein: Herman Cain's Twelve No's of Running for President While Running Your Own Dating Service." The book was scheduled to be released on December 7, Pearl Harbor Day.
Cain himself was asked about the rumored agreement as he left a local massage parlor, and responded "Nine, nine, nine. There is simply no truth to reports of a ten item list of quid pro quo's between Speaker Gingrich and Herman Cain. There are not ten items on that list, there are nine. Nine, nine, nine. Anyone who knows Herman Cain knows that Herman Cain would never put Herman Cain's own grandchildren to work, only other people's grandchildren who are not Herman Cain's grandchildren.........Denny Crain!!! I mean, Herman CAIN!"
Insiders connected with both Cain and Gingrich indicate that the arrangement could still fall apart. "You know, with these two guys, anything's possible, including jail time," said one source who refused to be identified.
In related news, Gingrich today said that he will make an important announcement tomorrow morning in State College, Pennsylvania. Rumors abound that he will receive the endorsement of former Penn State defensive coach, Jerry Sandusky, who has just released his own book, "Equal Opportunity and the Shower Room: Boys Will Be Girls." "While we don't agree on everything," Sandusky said, "for example, Speaker Gingrich likes girls, and I.....well.........ummmm.....boy, I'm confused now." "But by and large," Sandusky continued, "the Speaker has always demonstrated unswerving immorality throughout his political career, as I have in my career, and I respect that. Now DROP and make me feel good.....damn.....I mean drop and give me twenty!"