"After months of hardly working under the pretense of serious deliberations, we have come to the conclusion today that many of you came to when this committee was formed: that it will not be possible to reach any bipartisan agreement before the committee’s deadline.
"Despite our unwillingness to bridge the committee's significant differences, we end this process united in our belief that the nation's fiscal crisis must be addressed and that we cannot leave it for the next generation to solve. So we will simply leave it for the next Congress to solve, since we have more important things to do, like getting out of Washington before the Thanksgiving rush, and running for reelection. We remain hopeful that Congress can build on this committee’s work and can find a way to tackle this issue in a way that works for the American people and our economy, both of which are highly unlikely since none of us are willing to do what's necessary, because it would likely mean that we'd piss off so many of our constituents that they would vote us out of office.
"We are deeply relieved that we have been unable to come to a bipartisan deficit reduction agreement, and as we approach the uniquely American holiday of Thanksgiving, we want to express our gratitude that we did not have to step up and do difficult work, but instead, could continue to perpetuate the myth that we were bravely attempting to create the appearance that we were. We fully understand the intransigence of every member of this committee, each of whom came into the process so reluctantly, and fully committed to avoiding a solution that has eluded many groups before us, and as most of you surmised, would come to elude us as well. The world may little note nor long remember what we did here, but future generations will no doubt suffer because of it. As Herman Cain said recently, and we paraphrase with stern-faced incredulity: 'Starving and being homeless are good, since according to Christian precepts, suffering is good.' Hard though it may be to do, Herman Cain makes even us look good!
"Most importantly, we want to thank the American people for sharing your thoughts and ideas and above all, for providing abundant tax dollars to pay for our meals, our transportation, and the Congressional gym as we worked to accomplish this difficult task, particularly if it provided you with the sense that we actually gave a crap what any of you thought. Rest assured that we didn't.
"We would also like to thank the numerous lobbyists who entertained and fed us on behalf of their well-to-do corporate clients and interest groups, and for the tremendous work they contributed to this effort of abject failure. We would also like to express our sincere gratitude to Grover Norquist and Acorn for providing boogeymen that the two sides could point to and lay blame for our failure.
"It was Abraham Lincoln who said 'Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.' Well, Lincoln may have been wrong. But what the hell, it sounds good, even after all these years, and for those of you who still revel in the myth that equality drives our government, we'd suggest that you get over yourselves. We all know that the only Lincoln that matters these days is the Lincoln Navigator, which most of you cannot afford, except when you're paying for us to ride around in them. But trust us, they're really nice. God bless America."