A sneak peek inside former president's new Dallas home

This reporter was allowed a private look inside the new Dallas home of George W. Bush, the former leader of the free world. While no pictures were allowed, the former president appeared relaxed, if confused, by awakening in what he refers to his "secret, undisclosed location."

"I THINK I'm in Texas," said the former president, "but then again, I thought I was in Texas for the last eight years, and look what that caused?"

Entering the home gives a sense of crossing the threshold of a typical, if large, family dwelling on the tail end of a cross-country move. While there are certainly more than the average number of boxes still in the process of being unpacked, the former president appears at ease with his circumstances, and has already managed to commandeer and connect some of the larger, empty cartons into a dwelling of sorts, creating a "fort" to "defend my bride against abortionists, liberals, reporters, my new son-in-law, Horny Henry, and those terrorists, Al Carton."

With several Secret Service agents assigned to guard Bush for the next ten years, the former President says that he has gotten a kick out of "hiding in my fort, where they can't find me, and making loud banging noises because they can't figure out where they're coming from, and end up running all over the place and talking into their shirtcuffs."

Former First Lady Barbara Bush says she doesn't mind having her husband around the house. "The truth is," she says," he was always around more than people knew, particularly with Dick Cheney in charge for the last eight years. What most people didn't know is that the Cheney's 'secret, undisclosed location' was actually the Oval Office, which meant that George was always having to find somewhere else to hang out, so he was constantly underfoot in the residence. I'm kind of used to it, not that any one could ever really get used to that, if you know what I mean."

Bush insists that he is making the adjustment to private life far more easily than people might expect. "I have an extra hour or two of down time every day compared to when I was president, so I can work out, ride my bike, or hang out with Barney the dog. He's actually a great conversationalist, and the really cool thing is that he pays attention to what I say--he's a particularly good listener, which is more than I can say for anyone else around here."

At the time of this visit, Bush has only seen the living room, kitchen and master bedroom of the 8500 square foot house. "The Secret Service has asked that I not roam too far, since I tend to get lost, and they say that since I'm not important enough to look for any more, I could end up staying lost for a long, long time."

The former president says that he doesn't really know what he's going to do now that he is out of the White House, though he admits that his presidential library will consume a lot of his time in the months to come. "I've never been in a library before, so I don't understand what all the fuss is about. But they say I have to have one, so I'm going along with them. I used to love the Hardy Boy mysteries when I was a kid, but it's been a long time since I've read a book."

As this reporter prepares to leave, a loud commotion in the kitchen becomes easily noticeable, as Secret Service agents scurry from all directions with great haste. "Who brought pretzels into the house?" one shouts into his wrist microphone. Don't you know that the president can't be trusted with pretzels?"

An average day in the new Bush household? No one can say, but with the pretzels properly neutralized, the former president under the watchful eyes of his bodyguards, and former first dog Barney stretched out for a nap, and former First Lady Laura Bush now permitted to tell people what she REALLY thinks, George W. Bush is, finally, home, even if he can't quite figure that out yet.

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