Satire: American Airlines to Charge for Recovering Lost Luggage and Use of In-Flight Lavatories

American Airlines today announced that, effective immediately, it will begin charging passengers to recover checked baggage that it loses. Gerald Arsey, Chairman and CEO of American Airlines, cited the recent increase in the volume of checked and lost luggage as the primary reason for this charge.

"People who check bags should understand that it costs us money everytime we lose a bag and have to find it. More and more passengers are checking bags since we reduced the number of carryon items they are allowed to take on the plane with them. What do they expect? A free ride? Well, read my lips: get real!"

Airline Chief Financial Officer Penny Pinsher explained that it is simply not in the airline's interest to continue giving this service away. "If people want their bags back," Ms. Pinsher said, "they should pay to get them. Customers should understand that we are not a parcel service, and maintaining enough employees to find the hundreds of thousands of bags we lose every year is a very costly proposition for us. It's not like these are customers we particularly care about, anyway, since they are generally whiners and don't do a thing except sit there and @!$%# while we do all the work," said Pinsher. "It would be different," she continued, "if they were nice about it, but they aren't."

The airline also announced that it will also begin charging for use of the in-flight lavatories. Chief Marketing Officer Buster Gutt, said, "We are in business to provide transportation, but that does not automatically convey the right to use our bathrooms. Those lavatories take up valuable space on planes that could be used to seat paying passengers. If we have to forego that revenue, we should at least be able to recoup those costs. And frankly, if someone has to go that badly, they should be willing to pay whatever we want to charge---it's that simple."

An American spokesman said that the charges would range from $5.00 to urinate, $10.00 to defecate, and $29.99 to dispose of barf bags needed as a result of becoming nauseated by all of the fees that American is charging its customers.

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